Pride

I've been really struggling with pride over the last year or so. My area of pride? Motherhood! I have been prideful of my attempt at natural delivery and how people thought I was some hero for what I went through that day, especially since I ended up with  C-section. I was prideful that my 5 week old baby was sleeping through the night. I was prideful that my son had figured out how to scoot around on his back at a freakishly young age. I was and am prideful of so many things!!!! 

The most recent convicted area of my pride has been nursing Titus. I don't know why but I took such pride in what my body was doing for my son and for how *easy* it was. Every time there was a problem my first reaction has always been fear. Why? Because my precious pride has been on the line. God has been very gracious to me and has been working on exposing this sin in my heart over the last couple months. It has hit it's climax over the last couple of days. My milk supply seems to be almost gone. :( I went from nursing Ti about 5 times a day and at night if he needed it to probably 3 times today if I can even do that. I'm sad I couldn't make it to a year and the thought of this season of motherhood being over makes me want to cuddle Ti and nurse him for hours! I feel like it's being ripped away from me. I'm not really ready and Titus is ready either. When he cries and roots around and I have nothing it kills me. Yesterday I let him nurse as much as he wanted hoping it would help bring back my supply but all it did was make me sore and make him cranky.

Thankfully, my God is gracious and kind. He will give me the strength I need to get through this season. He will give me wisdom to know how to help Ti through this season as well. I'm grateful God has exposed my sin and is working on my heart to make me more like Himself. I'm still sad that Titus will be weaned before I had originally planned but I know that God is still sovereign. He is not far removed from my problem, even if at times it feels like it. He's right here, with me, holding my hand. His kindness and grace will get us through this and I can rest in that.